Hello Kammbia Blog Readers,
It’s been a month since I last posted a “Wisdom of Marion” column here on the Blogsite.
Life got in the way. I should be back on my regular posting schedule starting next week.
Well, in October, my wife and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary and the topic of marriage has been on my mind for the past several weeks.
So I have decided to post an email I wrote to some co-workers over three years ago before I got married. I will update some items since I’m now married.
Love is patient
Love is kind and is not jealous
Love does not brag and is not arrogant
Does not act unbecomingly;
It does not seek its own,
Is not provoked
Does not take into account a wrong suffered
Does not rejoice in unrighteousness
But rejoices with the truth
Bears all things
Believes all things
Hopes all things
Endures all things
Love never fails
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NASB)
These verses of scripture from the book of 1 Corinthians are very popular. It has been quoted in many devotional books and taught by pastors in many pulpits. Also, many Christians quoted these verses when it comes to talking about love.
I want to use these verses as the foundation to talking about subject of marriage. Before I got married three years, when I first wrote this column, I had gotten a wide spectrum of opinion about my upcoming nuptials.
Most congratulated me and wished the best for my marriage. Others gave me some advice. And some told me they would never get married again and believe I shouldn’t do it. Another person told me jokingly, I was a sucker. Even though they were joking I got sense that comment said a lot about how they felt about marriage.
Because of these varying opinions, I’ve wondered why marriage for some people is so wonderful and fulfilling and for others so painful and unfulfilling.
I don’t know if I will have the definite answer to marriage. But, I decided to ask my sister and brother-in-law who have been married for 34 years about it.
I was told by them there was five components to their marriage and without any of five their marriage would not have lasted as long as it has. They believe these five components are essential to a marriage.
The first component is Commitment. Both people have to decide in their minds and hearts they are committed to the marriage. Good times. Bad times. Ups and Downs. Joy and Tragedy. Excitement and Boredom. We must be fully committed through all those stages in the marriage. Unfortunately, we live in a commitment-phobic society. And if you can’t commit, you will never have a successful marriage.
My brother-in-law felt one of the biggest enemies to a marriage is boredom. He called boredom the “silent assassin.” Because you can committed to the marriage and somewhere along the way people get tired of the day-to-day nature of the relationship and yearn for something exciting. That’s why some men leave their wives after 15, 20, or 25 years of marriage for someone else. They’re bored with the marriage and wants someone new. And even more women are leaving long marriages for the same reason.
“If you learn how to live with the boring parts of life, you will live a successful life. Everyone can live life when it’s exciting and interesting. But can you live life, when it’s not. Your life includes both of them.”
My brother-in-law said that was the best piece of advice he had ever gotten in his life from his grandfather.
The second component is Friendship. My sister believed by having a friendship (as well as being attracted to him) with her husband before they dated and maintaining that friendship throughout their marriage has strengthen their bond.
The third component is Compatibility. You both must have the same rhythm in life. Now, you can have different personalities and still have the same rhythm. Sometimes we believe that both people in the marriage must be alike in order to have the same rhythm. Not true.
However, there must be shared values in the marriage or it can turn the relationship into a lot of frustration, resentment, or power struggles.
The fourth component is Attraction. My sister said she didn’t realize how important it is for my Brother-In-Law to stay attracted to her. She thought he loves me and married me that looks and attraction didn’t matter anymore.
I believe this is one of the biggest misunderstandings between men and women. Men are visually wired and we like to look at attractive things. However, when it comes to marriage, men do want to marry someone who has something inside the package. But, you don’t throw the package away. We like looking at the package.
The fifth and final component is Communication. This is probably one of the most overused words in our culture. However, it is important component to having a successful marriage.
My brother-in-law told me that he has had learn this component the hard way. He is a man of few words and my sister loves to talk. Not surprising!
Now, he understands that she needs to talk in order get it out. Women have to express themselves verbally and they don’t always want a solution to how they feel.
He has learn to listen and participate in the conversation and my sister feels like she has been listened to.
There must be communication between a husband and wife and this component can destroy a marriage faster than any of the other components.
Those are five components to a successful marriage.
So what do you think?